An Open Letter to my First Love

Dear You,

You may not know who you are, but I do. 

I thought he was my first love, but when I saw you again my world got twisted. It‘s funny, you are the first person I remember, the very first day I went to my friend’s place, you were stunned to see me, as I was to see you. Fast forward to now, there are still a ton of unspoken things between us, there were a lot of mistakes and now there are a lot of what ifs and what if it isn’t.

I don’t know what to say to you, and honestly it’s because it’s hard. Every time I see you, my heart wants to leap out of my chest and hide, and maybe it’s because I don’t want it near you. I always get so nervous that I don’t know how to act around you, and I keep on overthinking the things that should have been or should not have been. 

My God, I know it’s crazy. 

I really did like you, and I think I liked you for years.

Again, I thought he was my first love, but after many years, I think it’s you. 

It’s always been you.

Years may have gone by since I first saw you, but there’s still that feeling of unstableness whenever I’m near you.

I first met you when I was 16, and my God, I am now 24. In almost 10 years of knowing each other, I still get that feeling of unstableness, every time I see you. And you are not the best conversationalist, you are not the best person to talk to about certain things, but I feel happy whenever I get to talk to you. Perhaps it’s because you never made me feel stupid in sharing the things that bring me joy. It’s just a talent you possess, I guess.

And yes, I know that this is something that I need to work on.

I need to sort my feelings out and make sure you know (even though you don’t), because it’s not easy to express these sentiments. I honestly don’t want to see you again, because I don’t know what I will do, and if I’m being honest, there are still some blank spots from that one night. I am truly embarrassed about how I acted and I wish you can forgive me for that.

We may never have our moment together, but at least I know for myself, that for the briefest of time, you and I were there. I now hope that you are in a great place in your life, I hope that you have found somebody who will make you feel special, because you are.  I hope that even though you and I will never happen, you still consider me a great friend.

 

Because what we shared was magical. 

It was really magic, but it's now time to close the curtain and let you go or to let go of the idea of you, because we are no longer the same people we were back then. 

So, I want to take this time to thank you, for making me feel like my teenage self again. Thank you, for making me discover that I am capable of wanting somebody, the way I wanted you. Finally, thank you… for all the genuine feelings that you’ve helped me discover, because that shit is surreal.

I am forever grateful to you, but this is finally my goodbye.

Love,

Nina Liza