Grief caught up with me today.
My anxiety is through the roof.
I stare at the ceiling,
wishing things were different.
Not today.
A heavy heart.
Grief for the lost relationship.
Grief for the dog I lost.
Grief for myself—
the me I lost this time.
I’m trying to find myself.
Self-care is never pretty.
It’s hard.
Baby steps.
Always baby steps.
Just bloom.
That’s it.
That’s everything I have today.
I know you will not believe me, but I notice everything about you.
I noticed when it will take days before you start taking care of yourself.
How many days it'll take before you'll change your shirt, or how many days it'll take before you brush your hair.
In those days, I just wanted to hug you. Hug you tightly until all the tomorrows run out.
I want to lead you out of your blackhole into my light, but I couldn't even find my light no matter how hard I tried.
Don't worry though, I will still hold your hand and sit with you in the dark.
I'll talk you out of every dark thought that you're having, I know I'm good at talking my way out of tragedies.
Listen, I will hear out all your stories, even the nonsensical ones.
And I will only interrupt you to tell you I love you, because I do.
There was a point in my life where I wanted to purge you out of my system, but I never got enough courage to actually do it.
Because you're my twin flame, my soulmate, and my home.
I know this will hurt.
I don't want to live in your timeline, and it's not because I don't love you because I really do. It's because I love myself more. I need to love myself more, because at end of the day it's only myself that I have.
I wanted it to be you. I don't need you, but I want you. But you don't want me the way I want you and it hurts, it really does. We keep going back to the same circle, and I really thought we're way past that but we're not.
You helped me realize that my timeline is really off with your timeline, and I don't think they'll ever intersect. That is because I don't know the me that'll be in the future, but I am hoping and praying that she'll never be this naive.
I realized now that there's no wrong time for the right person, but you've consider this a wrong time. So, maybe I am not the right person and I need to learn to live with that. I do want you, I really do. However, not like this.
I'll work on myself now, but thank you for helping learn my lessons, again.
The lengths I would go
just to call you mine
are mind-blowing.
The surface cracks
every time your eyes find me,
and you see through
the deepest parts of me.
Every love song
is about you now,
and it’s insane.
The loving part of me
has been awakened.
I don’t know if I like it,
but thinking of you
makes it worthwhile.
What actually warrants a “You made it”?
Is it the job you hold?
The title people gave you?
The family you were born into—or married into?
The cars you drive?
The house you live in?
If you drink instant coffee or brewed,
If you are a mom of four—or just a stay-at-home daughter,
If you bring yourself to the gym Mondays through Fridays,
If you eat your body weight in chocolate and ice cream,
If you work yourself to the bones for minimum wage,
If you are the first doctor in your family—or the first to try,
If you are sad and depressed, but no one noticed,
If you struggle every single day—
I don’t know exactly what warrants a “You made it.”
Maybe it isn’t the accomplishments.
Maybe it is the courage
To live your life fully,
To keep showing up
Even when no one notices.
So if no one has said it today,
Let me be the first:
You made it.
Welcome to the here and now.
